KarmaBuena's World

karmabuena @ 2009-12-26T08:34:00

2009-12-26T14:34:45Z

It's 8:17 on the morning after Christmas, and we've already de-Christmasized the house. I don't want to do it when we get back from St. Louis, so this morning was a must.

I had a lovely Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with the Adam, Gavin, and Aidan. We made cookies, watched Christmas movies, tracked Santa on the computer, and got ready for Santa. I definitely missed Noah. I had called Rob earlier in the week and asked him to do some sort of Santa stuff with Noah. He did not. When Noah came home on Christmas afternoon, he seemed really happy to have his stocking from Santa and his presents under the tree, but then he was being a little bratty when dad, Mona, and Brent came over. I took him aside and asked him what was the matter, and he started crying and said that he missed our usual way of doing Christmas. Obviously, I miss it, too. At least next year, he'll be with me during the first part of the Christmas break, and we'll hopefully live in Madison and all our stuff will be out of storage.

Adam did a good job with Christmas this year. I got a Terrame massage, a weekend at the Nashville Film Fest, and some interesting books, movies, and randoms. Actually, Adam got me one of the movies that I had been hunting for him--Not Quite Hollywood: Ozploitation, which is a documentary about trashy Australian B-movies.

I think Adam liked his presents, especially his beer bottle cap collection stuff.

Last night, we had my parents and Brent over to exchange presents, and then Mormon Mike stopped by for a bite to eat and some beer. It was really nice to see him. He is engaged, and all seems to be going well for him. He and his fiance are thinking of moving to Seattle. Grumble, grumble. I have no rational reasons to dislike Seattle, but I do dislike losing interesting, intelligent people to a city that is already overflowing with interesting, intelligent people.

karmabuena @ 2009-12-24T15:46:00

2009-12-24T21:46:55Z

Yesterday, Adam and the boys and I went to Monte Sano to play on the playground and hike the blue trail. We really had a great time.

Today, I had a 3 1/2 hour hair appt, yet I still look exactly the same. This woman attended to me with a great amount of detail. I would normally relish this attention, but mostly I just wanted to go about my day. I also tanned; a rosy glow suits me.

Tonight, we're have to prepare for Santa's arrival. I really should have taken a nap today.

karmabuena @ 2009-12-21T17:32:00

2009-12-21T23:32:07Z

I know that love is supposedly blind, but I do not understand the marriage of the late Brittany Murphy to her husband Simon something-or-another. I don't want to spread an internet rumor, but he is her nearest surviving relative. The only way that an overweight, drunken buffoon like Simon could snag someone as incredibly body conscious as Brittany Murphy is if he is some sort of master manipulator. I think Colonel Mustard did it in the billiards room with a candlestick. I'm also getting antsy here at the house without Adam and the boys here. Actually, I've only been here about 4 hours, but the walls are already screaming at me. It reminds me of the old scary movies in which the house is the tormentor, which is not to be confused with the scary movies in which ghosts and/or demons are haunting the house. On the plus side, my Christmas shopping is 88% finished. One more small thing for Adam, one or two small things for the boys, and then my parents...

karmabuena @ 2009-12-20T18:41:00

2009-12-21T00:41:38Z

I was reading the poem that follows and I thought of walking through a cotton field and across a gravel road only to find yet another cotton field. I thought of trudging up terrace rows until the cotton became a jungle of kudzu and tall grass and trees. I thought of myself snaking down a steep enbankment and sitting at the foot of the bluff and at the river's edge.

"Ask Me"
William Stafford

Some time when the river is ice ask me
mistakes I have made. Ask me whether
what I have done is my life. Others
have come in their slow way into
my thought, and some have tried to help
or to hurt: ask me what difference
their strongest love or hate has made.

I will listen to what you say.
You and I can turn and look
at the silent river and wait. We know
the current is there, hidden; and there
are comings and goings from miles away
that hold the stillness exactly before us.
What the river says, that is what I say.

Of course, whenever I think of the bluff, I also think of this poem, which is very much a poem that I associate with something that is quintessentially me.

"A Still Soul"
Max Erhman

Maybe you have a still soul that

goes murmurless like water

in the deep of rivers;

And perchance you wander

silent amid the din of the world's

grinding barter like one journeying

in strange lands.

You, too, with the still soul,

have your mission, for beneath the dashing,

noisy waves must ever run the silent waters

that give the tide its course.

karmabuena @ 2009-12-20T17:41:00

2009-12-20T23:41:48Z

Adam and I had a fun no-kids weekend. We sprinkled fun with productivity. Adam painted while I did chores, and we also wrapped Christmas presents. We went to Mellow Mushroom and The Nook. We tried going to The Flying Monkey to see Andrew Weathers, but there wasn't a single car in the parking lot. We weren't too disappointed though. We were both pleasantly tipsy, and we came home and watched an episode of Glee, Season One. This morning, we went and checked out potential neighborhoods. I really can't wait to move and to feel like Adam and I share a home because I'm not a fan of feeling like I'm a guest in someone's home. Adam and I will have a fun time decorating and creating something of our own soon enough.

For the first time ever, I'm not getting Noah for Christmas Eve and Christmas. Rob has him until 5:00 p.m. on Christmas Day. I was hoping to spend some time with Noah during the week while Rob was at work, but Rob has decided to take the week off of work. I really do need to spend some fun mom-kid time with him; he's only a little guy once.

Christmas feels weird. Adam and I will have to do a better job of blending our Christmas traditions next year. This feels like luke warm porridge.

Right now, I am super excited to work out with Sus in the morning.

karmabuena @ 2009-12-19T06:59:00

2009-12-19T12:59:40Z

It's the first day of Christmas break. In some other world, I'm still in bed and watching a movie while cuddled next to Adam. In this world, Adam is already up painting the kitchen, and I'm wandering around the house trying to avoid the kitchen. I don't mind helping, but I am kind of getting a vibe that either Adam likes painting so much he wants to do it all himself or he's afraid that I won't approach the painting with his same perfectionist diligence. In other news, I am nearly done with Christmas shopping. We have to do stocking stuffers, and I might buy Adam one more random little thing. I've done quite a bit of Christmas shopping on this website--www.etsy.com/ I'm excited about Christmas break. The first week, I'm going to enjoy. I'm not going to do much at all with the exception of hanging out with friends, shopping, tanning, and working out. Next week, I'll attend the needs of the second semester.

karmabuena @ 2009-12-17T04:52:00

2009-12-17T10:52:35Z

I am not going to visit Mom in Ohio this weekend. She hasn't returned my phone calls and only sent a few texts in return. I then communicated with her via text and just got very little communication from her. I tried. And that alone alleviates most of my worry.

On the plus side, I am alternately going to work out and to vegetate this weekend. Adam wants to paint some, and I will probably help with that. I'm definitely going to the tanning bed. I wasn't this white as a newborn.

karmabuena @ 2009-12-13T06:59:00

2009-12-13T12:59:40Z

This hasn't been a fun weekend, with the exception of Ingram winning the Heisman and making volcanoes with the boys and also the discovery of the Glee. So, yeah. Three good things. I suppose it hasn't been that bad now that I see the list.

Friday was tainted by some ACCESS drama. It really ruined an otherwise great Friday. Saturday morning, Noah and I did A LOT of little errands. It was not fun. Then Gavin ran a temperature, and by dinner I had a horrible headache. We postponed our fun Saturday plans because we were tired and sickly. Today, it looks like it's going to be another day of petty errands and to-do lists.

I wish I could say that I was looking forward to next weekend, but I think I'm driving to Ohio to check on my selfish, trainwreck of a mother.

karmabuena @ 2009-12-06T15:41:00

2009-12-06T21:41:51Z

I don't feel emotionally invested in Christmas decor this year. I know it needs to be done, but I feel weird about it. I feel like I'm playing Christmas in someone else's house. This is not my tree. That is not my wreath. These are not my ornaments. Those are not my wall hangings, knick knacks, etc.

It feels like Bewitched when Dick Sargent stepped in to play Darrin Stephens' in the sixth season of "Bewitched." He replaced Dick York, who had been on the show since its inception. He didn't have to act the part of Darrin Stephens. He had to act the part of Darrin Stephens as played by Dick York.

It's not a fun feeling.

I love watching Tim Tebow cry.

2009-12-06T06:31:27Z

I'm glad Alabama won the SEC championship. I was pleasantly surprised. I have talked some smack about McElroy, and I bet against Alabama because I thought that God would smile favorably on Tim Tebow and lead him to victory.

Adam and I attended the Dynetics Xmas party. There were some awkward silences and painful parlor game moments, but all in all, it was bearable. We sat at a table with some of the younger engineers and their wives. One guy made several comments about the girls at the table not understanding what the guys do for a living, and it was followed by general nods and snickering. Though it was true, it pissed me off, and I immediately prayed that the next bad parlor game would involve trivia. Then over the course of the dinner conversation, I smiled to myself thinking: "Ahhh, me. These gentlemen may know all about software, radars, and signals, etc., but not a single one of these wives work. Score one for the girls because these engineer bitches are being played."

karmabuena @ 2009-12-04T05:07:00

2009-12-04T11:07:25Z

I came home to a handwritten letter from my mom.

I talked to my sister for the first time in years. She seemed relatively normal, at least as far as I could tell on the phone. Her reaction to mom's situation was much the same as my own: (1) What does she expect us to do? and (2) Is this for real? Oddly, my sister's voice is still the same, and her sense of humor is still, well, my sense of humor and my mom's sense of humor.

Noah and I surprised Dad before work yesterday. He was going in for some tests at the Madison Surgery Center, and Noah and I swung by the parking lot and left a feel-better note for him on the windshield of the car. Later, I talked to Dad about all this mom business, and he thinks I should stay out of it. Dad's take on it was more like "Where was she when you and your siblings needed her?" and "You reap what you sow." He also pointed out the practical expenses of even attemping to help her and how it would snowball into more than I might have initially considered. Dad, the realist.

It is still quite the quandary.

karmabuena @ 2009-12-01T03:55:00

2009-12-01T09:56:02Z

I've decided to visit Mom before Christmas. I'm going to go alone or maybe with Noah if Rob doesn't have him during that time. It will be easier for me to handle the situation alone because I don't know what to expect, and it's easier for me to just handle it than to worry about how someone else is handling it. Honestly, it will be easier for me to make sure that her physical needs are being met than to talk with her regularly on the phone. Sad, but true. I will feel guilty **I'm already feeling guilty** if I don't take some sort of physical action.

karmabuena @ 2009-11-30T00:41:00

2009-11-30T06:41:44Z

Adam and I had some time to ourselves this weekend and ventured from the confines of New Market. It seems that during our most recent moments without the boys we've been too tired to do anything other than basic recuperation.

Unfortunately, the weekend wasn't perfect. My mom, who is 53, called to tell me that she was diagnosed with early on-set alzheimers. Because my relationship with my mother is nearly nonexistent yet inexplicably complicated, I'm unsure how to handle the news. I just don't know. I haven't seen her in 6 years, and within the 6 years, I've probably talked with her less than 10 times. I have no clue what her situation is like. Does she have someone to care for her? I don't know. Should I become involved? I don't know. I do know that I've woken up the past two nights worrying about it, and it's upsetting my stomach even now to write about it.

I'm also worried about the remainder of the semester. I just need for it to end. It's been a rough semester, and this school year has aroused an anxiety in me that I haven't had in quite a while. It's always quietly gnawing at me beneath the surface.

karmabuena @ 2009-11-28T05:59:00

2009-11-28T11:59:48Z

I've been on antibiotics for three days, and I thought this sinus infection would be clearing up by now. I don't feel horrible by any means, but going to bed with a sore throat each night and waking up in the middle of the night because it's hard to breathe is just no fun.

I'm glad Alabama won yesterday. Talk about pins and needles... I had planned to make football game food, but we still have so much Thanksgiving food that it seemed a waste.

Adam and I have the day and night free. I don't care what we do tonight, but I do know that we are not sitting at home.

karmabuena @ 2009-11-26T17:33:00

2009-11-26T23:33:48Z

Team Panagos had a successful Thanksgiving. Adam made a great turkey, and we had a plentiful spread of side dishes. My parents and Brent came over, and we played a little wiffle ball after stuffing ourselves. After they left, we had a nap, and now I'm feeling a little antsy. It is this antsy feeling that makes spending money at Black Friday sales tempting. I've never felt even mildly tempted to participate in the Black Friday frenzy. Weird.

karmabuena @ 2009-11-25T19:54:00

2009-11-26T01:54:09Z

I have been in a foul mood for several days now. I don't know why specifically. I have allowed several snappy comments to pass my lips and squelched more than I'd care to admit.

Hopefully, I'll wake up on the right side of the bed in the morning. Actually, the bed may be part of the problem. I haven't been able to sleep comfortably without sleeping way over on Adam's side or scooting way down to the foot of the bed with my feet hanging over the edge. Perhaps it's time to turn the mattress.

Tomorrow is turkey day. I'm looking forward to this holiday weekend. I just hope I don't ruin it for everyone else.

karmabuena @ 2009-11-25T14:02:00

2009-11-25T20:02:58Z

Noah got a PS3 yesterday. Our children now own all the major gaming systems. Spoiled? Yes, much. All this gadgetry would make my soul hurt, but Noah is outside skateboarding right now. I don't mind gadgetry as long as it's not the only thing he does to occupy his time.

Speaking of gadgetry occupying time, I think I've done as much with my new phone as I care to do. I have it set up the way I want it. I'll continue to play with it, etc., but it is starting to feel more like a communication device and less like a new-fangled puzzle-piece of the future.

From my phone

2009-11-22T22:28:16Z

I'm a dork. Officially.

karmabuena @ 2009-11-16T04:07:00

2009-11-16T10:07:41Z

Adam and I had a good weekend. We watched a movie with Gavin and Aidan Friday night, and then on Saturday, we went to eat at Surin for the first time in forever. Adam, Noah, and I went to Monte Sano Sunday morning and walked the white trail, which was invigorating.

Adam was super productive this weekend, but I cannot say the same for myself. He cooked Noah's fave casserole, mowed the grass, and cleaned out the garage. I... um... dusted. I'll have to make up for that next weekend, I suppose.

I spent most of my time looking up vacation prices, which was really daunting and disappointing. How much money does one have to make in order to travel? We were kind of hoping to forego buying each other Christmas presents and taking a little trip, but there is no such thing as a little trip if it involves flights/hotels. A hike in Sedona or Tuscon, AZ might as well be a cruise to the Caribbean.

After searching for hours... literally for hours... I think it will be best to wait until summer and take our trips then. Maybe we can work in a romantic adventure getaway in Glacier National Park in Montana and also take the boys to the beach.

I have the makings of a sinus infection. Yucky nose+ stuffy ears+sore throat=yuck. I simply cannot miss work this week, so I'm going to do my best to ignore it.

karmabuena @ 2009-11-13T16:21:00

2009-11-13T22:21:07Z

I survived the week. Adam and I drove to and from PA for Aunt Dee's visitation in 48 hours. Basically, we were on the road 26 out of those 48 hours. It was grueling. I'm so thankful Adam decided to come along because I think I would have been even more delirious had I been by myself. That is just too much driving. I could never be a truck driver.

We came home and realized that the housekeepers had accidentally locked Jarvis Cocker in the closet on Tuesday. Yes. This means that poor Jarvis was locked in the closet for at least 48 hours, if not a little longer. Needless to say, we had to rent a RugDoctor and clean the carpet in the closet, wash clothes, and throw away stuff that was just too disgusting to salvage after making that trip.

Oh well. At least Jarvis is alive and well.

I'm ready for a fun and chill weekend. :o)

karmabuena @ 2009-11-08T17:28:00

2009-11-09T03:42:44Z

Today, Noah's godmother died. From the first time that I went to Pennsylvania, Dee always went above and beyond to make me feel welcome and loved. She took her role as godmother seriously and devoted herself to Noah's happiness.

She had some heart trouble about three weeks ago, and they released her to come home on Friday. Thankfully, Noah spoke with her on Friday. She died today in her bathroom with one of her sisters and her best friend there by her side and while they waited on the ambulance. Though it wasn't a total shock, I had really thought she was on the up and up.

karmabuena @ 2009-11-07T18:55:00

2009-11-08T01:30:22Z

Ahh, me.

On Thursday, Susanna and I went to see Leonard Cohen. We sat 8th row, center and watched Leonard give us his all. He was surrounded by musicians' musicians, and everything about the concert was in the best of taste. We stayed at a hotel right across the street, which was nice. On Friday, we went to the Pancake Pantry and then worked off our french toast in the hotel's gym. We had a leisurely drive back and sang our favorite Leonard Cohen songs while driving through the rolling hills of Tennessee. On the whole, we had a much needed and totally worthwhile girlcation.

Famous Blue Raincoat...

I'm Your Man... The quintessential Leonard Cohen song

If It Be Your Will... Leonard and the Webb Sisters

The Gypsy Wife... One of our fave songs from the concert

Also, I'm crushing hardcore on Dino Soldo. He had us swooning. :o)

Today I judged Trumbauer and then went to watch Gavin's last soccer game of the season. It's been a good weekend, I must say.

karmabuena @ 2009-10-31T11:19:00

2009-10-31T16:19:47Z

I have been sick since Thursday evening. On the plus side, I've lost 6 lbs.

karmabuena @ 2009-10-30T01:46:00

2009-10-30T06:53:05Z

Um, I have been throwing up all night. I think I've slept maybe an hour.

karmabuena @ 2009-10-27T16:59:00

2009-10-27T22:05:53Z

Ok, I'll be the first to admit that it kind of pathetic that I am obsessed with Adam Lambert youtube videos. I just love his voice and his theatrics. He rocks David Bowie, Queen, etc., like only a flamboyant gay man can.

My sweet husband's bday is today. He is my all-time favorite. How many more minutes until he pulls into the driveway?